Are You Overthinking? or Are You Trying to Feel Safe?

Have you ever found yourself going over the same conversation again and again?

Did I say the wrong thing?What if they’re upset with me?What if something goes wrong?What if…?

You might call it overthinking.

And perhaps it is.

But sometimes, overthinking isn't really about thinking too much. Sometimes, it's about trying to feel safe.

When your mind is looking for certainty

Our minds are very good at trying to protect us.

When something feels uncertain or outside our control, we naturally try to make sense of it. We analyse, replay, plan and predict.

We may believe that if we think about something for long enough, we'll eventually find the answer that makes us feel safe.

But life doesn't always give us certainty.

So we think a little more.

And then a little more.

Before long, what started as an attempt to solve a problem can become a cycle of worry and reassurance-seeking.

You might find yourself replaying conversations, analysing other people's behaviour, imagining everything that could go wrong or constantly checking whether something feels “right”.

It can be exhausting.

“If I can just work it out…”

One of the difficult things about overthinking is that it can feel productive.

You're trying to understand. You're trying to prepare yourself. You're trying to prevent something painful from happening.

And sometimes thinking things through is helpful.

The difficulty comes when thinking stops helping you move forward and instead keeps you trapped in the same loop.

You may reach an answer and feel reassured for a moment, only for another “But what if…?” to appear.

This can happen when uncertainty feels particularly uncomfortable.

The truth is, we can't always know what someone is thinking. We can't predict exactly what will happen. And we can't guarantee that we won't experience rejection, disappointment or difficult emotions.

Trying to achieve complete certainty can sometimes leave us feeling less safe, rather than more.

What might be underneath the overthinking?

Sometimes, what looks like overthinking can also be a way of avoiding something we don't want to feel.

If you're constantly analysing why you're upset, you may not have to sit with the sadness.

If you're trying to work out exactly what someone meant, you may not have to acknowledge how hurt you felt.

If you're planning for every possible outcome, you may temporarily avoid the vulnerability of not knowing what will happen.

This doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong.

Your mind may simply be trying to protect you in the best way it knows how.

So instead of asking:

“How do I stop overthinking?”

you might gently ask:

“What is my mind trying to protect me from?”

A different way of responding

The goal doesn't necessarily have to be to stop thinking.

Instead, you could begin by noticing the pattern.

Ask yourself:

• Am I solving something, or am I searching for certainty?

• Is there something I can actually do about this?

• What am I afraid might happen?

• What feeling am I trying to avoid?

• Can I allow myself not to have all the answers right now?

You don't have to find the perfect answer.

Sometimes feeling safer doesn't come from knowing exactly what will happen.

Sometimes it comes from discovering that you can cope with not knowing.

You don't have to figure it all out alone

If overthinking has become a regular part of your life, it can be difficult to step outside the cycle on your own.

Counselling can provide a space to slow things down and explore what might be underneath the thoughts, without judgement and without needing to have everything worked out beforehand.

You don't need to arrive at therapy knowing exactly what you want to talk about.

You can simply start with where you are.

Sometimes understanding the thoughts is important. But sometimes, it can be even more helpful to understand the person behind the thoughts! what they're feeling, what they need, and what they're trying so hard to protect.

Perhaps feeling safe isn't about knowing exactly what will happen next.

Perhaps it's about knowing that, whatever happens, you can get through.